woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I wish there were birth control emojis
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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