I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
