All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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