im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
