I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
