I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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