My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
