I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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