I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
