I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
