My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
