i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm sobbing to NWA
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
