my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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