i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
