i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
