and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
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