I'm lost and stupid without you.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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