Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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