The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
