whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
