I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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