well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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