i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
