Moan for me like Helen Keller
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
