You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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