Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
