apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
