Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
