I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
