apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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