I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
