im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
