I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
