i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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