you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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