so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
