its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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