Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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