I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
