If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
