Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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