I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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