I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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