Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
