you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
