i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
