I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
