Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I feel like death gave me a hand job
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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