But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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