somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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